TINSELTOWN PREPARES FOR XMAS TURKEYS
Copyright 2001 www.tombraiderchronicles.com

[ November 22nd 2001 ]

Once again, Hollywood has produced a crop of turkeys this year - many of them stuffed with some of Tinseltown's biggest names and garnished with tens of millions of wasted dollars.

Annoying apes, mundane mummies, Angelina Jolie's padded mammaries - things were so bad that Freddie Prinze Jr.'s two annual celluloid stinkers ("Heads Over Heels," "Summer Catch") didn't even make the list this year. Sadly, audiences gobbled up some of these fiascoes - at least on opening weekends. Grab a plate - here's our list of Thanksgiving turkeys:

"Pearl Harbor": May 25 is a date that will live in infamy. That's when this bloated $120 million epic landed in theaters, stunning one and all with its interminable, historically dubious re-creation of the 1941 attack. Ben Affleck was merely boring as the flyboy lead; Jon Voight was epically bad as a waxworks version of FDR.

"Lara Croft: Tomb Raider": Voight was in this dud, too, playing dad to real-life daughter Angelina Jolie, who strapped on hip holsters and a Wonderbra - but forgot to pack an intelligible script for this adaptation of a video game that mercifully failed to establish a franchise.

"The Mummy Returns": Speaking of unintelligible scripts, this blustering sequel neglected to include any kind of coherent story amid its two hours of not-so-special effects.

"Planet of the Apes": Another failed attempt at a franchise, this highly anticipated flub was the year's most pointless remake. Terrible script, aimless direction (by the normally reliable Tim Burton), confused performances (Mark Wahlberg, et al.) and a ridiculous climax, cribbed from a Kevin Smith comic book, added up to an Excedrin headache.

"Captain Corelli's Mandolin": Cheese wasn't limited to popcorn fare this summer. Penelope Cruz and Nicolas Cage sported egregious accents (Italian and Greek, respectively) in this mawkish version of a British best-seller about a World War II romance, directed without distinction by the overrated John Madden ("Shakespeare in Love").

"3000 Miles to Graceland" and "Swordfish": Ultra-violent escapism has never been as tedious as in these two noisy and brainless epics, which represented career low points for Kevin Costner and John Travolta, respectively. Quite an accomplishment for the stars of "The Postman" and "Battlefield Earth."

"Freddy Got Fingered": Arguably the worst movie ever released by a major studio. MTV celebrity Tom Green was permitted to direct himself in this horror of an alleged comedy in which he memorably swings a bloody fetus over his head.

"Town & Country": Three years and countless re-edits late.