FOR XMAS TURKEYS
Copyright 2001 www.tombraiderchronicles.com
[ November 22nd 2001 ]
again, Hollywood has produced a crop of turkeys
this year - many of them stuffed with some of
Tinseltown's biggest names and garnished with
tens of millions of wasted dollars.
apes, mundane mummies, Angelina Jolie's padded
mammaries - things were so bad that Freddie Prinze
Jr.'s two annual celluloid stinkers ("Heads Over
Heels," "Summer Catch") didn't even make the list
this year. Sadly, audiences gobbled up some of
these fiascoes - at least on opening weekends.
Grab a plate - here's our list of Thanksgiving
Harbor": May 25 is a date that will live in infamy.
That's when this bloated $120 million epic landed
in theaters, stunning one and all with its interminable,
historically dubious re-creation of the 1941 attack.
Ben Affleck was merely boring as the flyboy lead;
Jon Voight was epically bad as a waxworks version
Croft: Tomb Raider": Voight was in this dud, too,
playing dad to real-life daughter Angelina Jolie,
who strapped on hip holsters and a Wonderbra -
but forgot to pack an intelligible script for
this adaptation of a video game that mercifully
failed to establish a franchise.
Mummy Returns": Speaking of unintelligible scripts,
this blustering sequel neglected to include any
kind of coherent story amid its two hours of not-so-special
of the Apes": Another failed attempt at a franchise,
this highly anticipated flub was the year's most
pointless remake. Terrible script, aimless direction
(by the normally reliable Tim Burton), confused
performances (Mark Wahlberg, et al.) and a ridiculous
climax, cribbed from a Kevin Smith comic book,
added up to an Excedrin headache.
Corelli's Mandolin": Cheese wasn't limited to
popcorn fare this summer. Penelope Cruz and Nicolas
Cage sported egregious accents (Italian and Greek,
respectively) in this mawkish version of a British
best-seller about a World War II romance, directed
without distinction by the overrated John Madden
("Shakespeare in Love").
Miles to Graceland" and "Swordfish": Ultra-violent
escapism has never been as tedious as in these
two noisy and brainless epics, which represented
career low points for Kevin Costner and John Travolta,
respectively. Quite an accomplishment for the
stars of "The Postman" and "Battlefield Earth."
Got Fingered": Arguably the worst movie ever released
by a major studio. MTV celebrity Tom Green was
permitted to direct himself in this horror of
an alleged comedy in which he memorably swings
a bloody fetus over his head.
& Country": Three years and countless re-edits